Inside

Inside is an incredibly pretty game that you should all check out if you have the chance

It’s from the same creators as Limbo and it shares that same eerie vibe. Me, personally, I watched someone play it on YouTube (a valid option if you’re like me and some games you’d rather watch being played than play them yourself) but I highly recommend that you check it out. In whichever format you desire.

Meanwhile, I finished The Hypnotist’s Love Story by Liane Moriarty (5/5) and am actively searching for a mattress and box spring

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Taking a Break

I don’t go in for long vacations. With my job, it’s difficult for me to take such a long period of time for myself but also I find week long vacations difficult to come back from and I find it even more challenging to adjust back into the regular work flow.

So I prefer to take long weekends here and there. And that’s what I did yesterday and today. I didn’t do much, aside from seeing a movie and dropping my little sister off at a bus station.

I needed the break too. Work has been very hard lately and there have been minor relational struggles in my life here and there that seem insurmountable right now…on top of that, I was beginning to get a dull ache in the left side of my chest every now and then. So, it goes without saying that I may have been letting my anxiety take control. And I needed time for myself so I took it.

Tomorrow, I’m going to get some important things done (helping Mom clean, packing things up, shopping online for a new bed, etc) hopefully.

April 29, 2016

Lately, I’ve been busy regretting. 

I made so many bad choices.

I clung too tightly to some people and not tightly enough to others. Some people were so precious and I never should have let them slip away.

Seeing friends get married…not being invited…did I not mean that much to you? 

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Your lives keep going and I’m not in them. It’s fine. We don’t need to be connected to everyone all the time.

In two weeks, I have to do a thing. I’m terrified.

But it’s not about me, it’s about them. Things about it are going to hurt. And that’s okay. Most things don’t last forever, even the things that hurt. 

On writing and not giving up

I’m so good at giving up and putting things off. My head is also good at convincing my heart that I don’t need prayer as much as I think I do. But, you know, I really do. There is a lot going on right now and I need help.

Last week, I attempted to form a habit of daily journaling, in an attempt to capture where most of my thinking is going. I forgot most days but I’m going to keep it going. It is only a couple sentences a day, nothing too heavy. But if it’s a big thought, I let myself go on if I need to.

In other news, this book has been my companion during my most recent reading slump.


Lately I’ve been trying to do two or three chapters every day so that I stay in the habit but not too much so that it feels like I’m forcing myself to read when there are other things that I could be doing. But why read at all if I don’t feel like reading? Why make the effort? Well, I know me and I know that the time I don’t spend reading will likely be spent scrolling through Tumblr or YouTube. Not bad things in and of themselves but I hate to catch myself doing either one for too long. And I would rather be reading. Even if I don’t feel like it in the moment.

I also saw this film this past weekend

 It was delightfully tense and well thought out. Also, it was the first really good film I’ve seen this year. It’s actually the first 2016 film I’ve seen this year at all! (I missed Deadpool but will get around to it when I get around to it)

Also, I like the way the new Spider-Man looks. There are those who think he looks too cartoonish but I love the design. His eyes are especially great as they are more expressive then previous interpretations. Also, the kid who is playing him is an actual age-appropriate youth! I have high hopes for this one.

This week was hard. Not busy, but hard. Work was manageable but I found myself in uncomfortable situations where maybe I didn’t handle myself in the best way I could have. But that’s what grace is for, right?

On a lighter note, I’ve completed my little Belcher collection and how cute are they?

  

 Plus, I’m combating my reading slump by reading this book. (Please hold your judgment! I’m choosing to base my opinion solely on the quality of the character writing, world building, and snappy one-liners that this particular author excels at)

I’ve also been occupying my time with these two shows and looking forward to the return of these three shows. So, I have plenty of distractions, in case you were wondering.

Also, I have been lowkey making some future living together plans with a friend, complete with a Pinterest board, full of ideas.

Other activities include trying not to live in the past, letting go of awkward situations and not beating myself up over blunders.

Like I said, it was a tough week and I’m ready for a rest.

In Defense of Levi

Two years ago, I arrive home from college for winter break, to find my younger sister ranting and raving about this book. Fangirl by the incomparable Rainbow Rowell. I’m eager to read a novel or two during my downtime so I welcome the distraction of reading it and my sister is delighted to discuss it with me upon its completion.

So, I sit down to begin. I fall in love with the book almost instantaneously. I connect with the protagonist, Cath, on a deep, emotional level. She is a college student who likes to be alone, loves sweaters, is wrestling with leftover trauma from being abandoned by one of her parents when she was young, is an avid reader/writer, and is overwhelmed by the college experience for the first semester that she’s in it. Needless to say, she and I have a lot in common.

Enter Levi.

Here is a description of Levi, as I see him. Tall, blonde (with a widow’s peak), friendly (gives out smiles to everyone like it doesn’t cost him anything), poor grades, and has an undiagnosed reading disability, yet at the same time, has a fascination with fiction.

These are things that I learn about Levi as I go along in the story. He seems great at first but once I get to the bit about the overwhelming friendliness and the reading struggles, I start to notice something may be up.

Then Cath falls for him. And Levi falls for her.

And I close the book.

I tell Sarah that I’m sorry, but I will not be finishing this book right now. She’s confused. “What, you don’t like it?” she asks, her brow furrowed, pausing her game of Skyrim to fix me with a look of shock. Her surprise is predictable. This book has everything that I love in it: a college setting, cute and quirky characters, romance, etc.

I don’t explain myself right away but later on, a few weeks later, I tell her. “Well, I know this boy. He’s a lot like Levi and he’s great. I really like him. But he doesn’t like me.”

She understood what I meant. It was too real for me at that point in time and I couldn’t handle it.

At first I thought I was being too dramatic. Like, this book is really great and why am I condemning one piece of fiction for my own personal problems. Well, you see, I’m not. I’m just not ready to experience the fiction yet. I’m not ready yet to take part in these characters. I wanted to be able to appreciate them at their fullest when I was ready. And, ready I was not.

The semester that followed was hard. I literally walked around with an idol strapped to my back and it felt like every morning the devil was presenting it front of me and saying,

“Oh, yeah, don’t forget to strap this onto yourself before you leave. We need to make sure that it saps everything good and beautiful and enjoyable out of your life, but make sure that you don’t mention it to God. I mean, he’s too busy with all your happier, prettier friends. It’s time you came to terms with the fact that he doesn’t care about you. And he is never going to give you this one thing that you want so bad. But you must never accept that he will never give it to you. You must be defiant. You have to tell him, ‘No, God, I do want this! I want this more than I want you.’ There, now you say it…”

You get the idea.

These were the things I had to conquer before I could pick this book back up.

Well, that was two years ago. The boy is with someone else now (one of my best friends actually) and they’re quite happy. I try not to think about them too much, though, so I really don’t know if that’s true or not. But I hope it is. In a weird way. I talk to God every day now and the idol that used to be a large knapsack is now more akin to a pebble I keep finding in my pocket every time I go rummaging through it.

A week ago, I found myself in between books and so I picked up Fangirl again. I texted my sister, “I am reading Fangirl. I will not start another book until I am finished.” To which she responded, “!!!”

Now I can safely say that Levi is great. Rainbow Rowell knew what she was doing when she wrote this book. But that’s not surprise. She is the queen, after all.

 

Beginning

I never liked New Year’s resolutions. But I’ve always loved setting personal goals.  I have plenty of goals for this year, personal, spiritual, what have you.

I want to focus on being nice more than being smart.

I want to take the time to write every day (or every other day). In some ways, I feel like it’s a waste of time but it helps with stuff.

I want to have the kind of relationship with God where I think of him as a friend than a big guy who is watching me all the time and is silently judging me.

I want to strike a healthy balance of discretion and openness. This one is incredibly important because I feel as though too many people spend too much time trying to spill the contents of their brains on other people just to make themselves heard that they don’t even think about how their words are affecting other people. OR they are thinking about how their words affect other people and they are trying to prove a point. I hear those words so often and they make me uncomfortable. “Proving a point” Can we all agree to rise above the immaturity of it and just love each other more?

Sorry, let me throw my soap box out of the room real quick, so that I’m not tempted to have a seat again. *throwing motion* *crashing sounds* *cat meows in distress*

Anyway, 2016 will be fine. Even if it’s not fine.