It’s not easy being filled with regret and shame…It’s weird not knowing that you have these feelings until they suddenly appear before you.
I was taking the train home from work today and suddenly, everything that I had been suppressing, so that I could survive the day came crashing back. All the anger, shame, jealousy, and sorrow that I threw a blanket over this morning so that I could make it. It all came tumbling back.
In those moments, I don’t know how things are going to be fixed.
How am I going to forgive that person?
How am I going to deal with this person not approving of me?
How am I going to stop being so angry?
How am I going to deal with being alone forever?
It’s times like these that a knife to the wrist seems so inviting and then things just get scary.
Please God help.
Working from home is a very strange thing. But when the Pope is in town and your work is closed but there are still things to be done, it’s what you gotta do. It’s kind of like being homeschooled again, so I don’t really mind it.
In other news, books have become my friend again, which I am eternally grateful for. I’m still not a very fast reader (I never was and I prefer it that way. I like to take my time with the books that I love.) but it is once again becoming a daily practice.
I have also been thinking a lot about forgiveness, the doors that God has closed, and recognizing that healing can take time. Sometimes it can even take years. But God is faithful all the same.
For those of you still reading, know that I greatly appreciate you and I do cherish your support.
I have been doing my best to take care of myself lately. But sometimes it’s hard to know how to really do that. I think you just need to trust God to do the “taking care of” and then not worry yourself over what might or might not happen.
Lately I have been challenged and stretched in ways that I don’t want to be and that are terrifying to me. But there is a certain peace to be had in knowing that I can bring all of those big and little things in a day that crush me to the Lord and I can know that He has those things well in hand and that He has a purpose for them.