The Pain of the Past

Its hard to let go of past experiences, especially those that cut you deeply. 

Lately I have been wasting a lot of time thinking about where I’ve been and wishing that I had done things differently. I’ve been waking up at 4 o’clock in the morning, unable to go back to sleep because of the anxiety and self-hatred that buffets me. 

It’s difficult to remember that God loves you in moments like these. Even if you do remember it, it’s difficult to feel it. It’s difficult to look past the suffering of the present time and know that God is working on you. It’s hard to find my strength there. It’s hard to find my hope there.

I’ll have to keep looking for it.

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Things I learned

I learned that being angry, or rather staying angry, is a very dangerous thing. Better to pray about it right away and breathe it out rather than let it sit in your chest poisoning you from the inside.

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I rediscovered my love for Naruto, which I watched in high school then went on a brief hiatus from during my college years. I watched the entire first series during high school so now I have been becoming acquainted with Shippuden, the sequel series. It’s quite good and it’s rather like being reunited with old friends that you’ve missed dearly, which can be a very sweet thing.

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I need to learn to be kinder to my body. I need to eat healthier and be more active. Also, since an integral part of my job is lifting heavy objects, I need to learn to lift with my legs.

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Reading used to be a thing that I pressured/guilted myself into doing. I had a grand plan to read 30 books this year. I don’t think that will happen. It seems a very strange thing to meet someone who loves to read so much and yet can never seem to get around to it. People who love to read just seem to make time for it somehow! But if it’s something that I enjoy, then I should enjoy it in my own way. I have enough stress in my life without pressuring myself to read more. Speaking of, right now I’m reading The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty and it is simply delightful.

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I’m very sad for the Fantastic Four film. I wanted so badly for it to be good. Reboots can be kind of annoying with how often they occur (Don’t worry, Tom Holland! I’m sure you have a good ten years worth of Spider-man in you before you’re replaced!) but they can also be seen as a fresh start. I was hoping that this would be the case for the Fantastic Four. Alas, not. It was a considerable flop and those who saw it seemed to think it was dull and lacking in any color, enjoyment, or substance. One film reviewer who I follow, Chris Stuckmann said that there was far too much talking and not enough ‘things happening.’ That’s not how a superhero film should be.