I don’t have what I want. Or at least I don’t have what I think I want. I think back to times in my life when, if I had just acted a certain way or said a certain thing, then I could have achieved something that I wanted. But I didn’t do those things and now I just look back on those times as missed opportunities. That leads to frustration. I can’t think like that for too long because I know that God ordered the events of my entire life from when I was born until the day that I die. So I can’t fault myself for not doing something or other, especially if it wasn’t what God had in mind for me. But this doesn’t stop my mind from running in circles.
Sometimes I think about my life and I’m glad. Sometimes I think about my life and I’m really not and I feel as though I really have screwed everything up beyond repair.
When I get into this mode of thinking, I begin to think about my life in terms of days, rather than as a cohesive whole. I find it much easier (and soothing) to think on this level instead. I can’t worry about what’s going to happen (or not going to happen) in five years or ten when I have today to focus on.
That’s why I’m glad God gave us days.
I just received my last ever schedule at work before I move onto my new job. Transitions make me nervous as does learning new things. I’ve been combating the nerves as best I can by reading Sarah Dessen and looking up new lunch recipes. I’ll let you know if I find anything interesting 🙂
Late spring/summertime is a very emotional time of the year for me. I think it’s because late spring last year I graduated from college and had to adjust to living at home permanently for the time being. I missed my friends, I struggled to find work, and I was frustrated and lonely. You could say that all of these things still apply to me but it was much much different back then. All these feelings were much more severe and much more front and center.
One thing that was good though about this time in my life was that it forced me to really turn towards and focus on the Lord. It was like there was literally nothing else I could do except pray and read my Bible. I didn’t want to. I feel very ashamed to admit it but I really did not want to read my Bible or pray at all. I had fully given up on myself and I was angry at God for what He was doing (or not doing) in my life. I was undergoing extreme depression and anxiety, which were masked on the surface by listlessness and outright anger.
This unrelenting tide of anger and resentment turned somewhat when I began speaking with my pastor on a regular basis. I admitted some things and he helped me begin to sort through my spiritual feelings. A great friendship grew out of that and we still talk regularly.
I’m hoping this summer is better. I hope that I can keep growing closer to God and rely on Him more and on other people in my life less. Not to say that relying on people is a bad thing but allowing them to dictate how I think and feel is far from healthy.
My prayer is that He’ll relieve my anxiety this summer and just help me to generally get over myself.