I worry about saying the wrong thing often…or saying what I want to say in the wrong way….communication is very hard.
I’m afraid of being lonely and being without anyone to spend time with. I also like being able to think clearly without all these words hanging in the air. I enjoy the sense of clarity that comes with independence and alone-ness. And somehow I can always find a way to deal with the pain that comes from it.
Praying is easier now. I used to rely on certain people more than I should have, which was a very poisonous way to live. Now I try to only hear God’s voice. But I don’t always hear what He’s saying. And I can’t block out the voices of everyone around me. That would be a very dangerous way to live.
I’m not as bad off as I seem but sometimes I want to be sad and stay in my pain for long enough to know what to do with it. I’m okay with replacing sadness with happiness but it needs to be on my own terms. I hate it when people try to make me laugh when I’m sad. Sometimes, being sad is a luxury. Allowing yourself to feel something can be a good thing. Moping is bad, but thinking can be a good thing. I love it that people want me to be happy and get me out of my head. But sometimes thinking about it and working it out is better than putting on a face.
This is what I’m thinking about today while I drink my usual tea and pray my usual prayers. I will leave you with this, though: If you have ever tried to make me smile, even when I didn’t want to, I do appreciate you, even if I spurned you in that moment. Also, I’m very sorry if it stung. I can be waspish but I don’t mean to be all the time.
Some things I’m thinking about tonight:
I’m beginning to lose faith in people. I have been hurt by too many people too many times and I haven’t dealt with it in a way that I should and, as a result, my faith in people is dwindling. I trust my friends and I don’t think I’m paranoid but it goes beyond that…I suppose I’m just fearful of anyone getting too close.
What do you do when prayer, which is supposed to be a balm to your soul, feels like a knife in your heart? The last couple of times I have tried to pray, it has only succeeded in frustrating me more. I feel disconnected from God and I don’t know how to get Him back.
There is a lot of anger and fear and sadness that I am dealing with right now that I don’t know how to rid myself of. It frustrates and terrifies me that such things are living in me and that I’m allowing them to. I want them gone but I don’t know of a good way to do so.
At 23, I feel young and old at the same time. I have the confusion of youth and the weariness of old age. I feel stricken and bruised in such a way that I just want it all to be over.
When I was turning six, I remember asking my older sister if I would ever be five years old again. When I was that young, I hadn’t really grasped the idea of permanence so it baffled me when she said no, I would never again be five years old. It also made me sad. I had enjoyed being five years old and I had no way of knowing if I would enjoy being six as much.
This was the first time in my life when the idea of growing old scared me.
Is there a difference between growing up and growing old?
I think so.
I think growing up means responsibility and maturation and thinking on a deeper level and making commitments and promises, while growing old means admitting that life is temporary and nothing lasts forever and the passage of time cannot be stopped.
When I think about growing old, I start to think about all the things I want to do and will I have time for them? Will life run away from me? What if my hopes and dreams don’t come true the way that I want them to? What if the things I worry about happening never do happen?
“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.” (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)