A lot of things

Tonight I’m thinking about way too many things…

Not feeling loved….feeling a little sick….letting bad little things dance around in my head.

I’m trying to leave all the bad things to God, both small and big and trust Him that there are good things to come.

Grr.

It’s all very hard.

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I was going to write about something else tonight…

…but then I came across this passage and it got me to thinking about some things:

“And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grave is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)

I may get back to you later about just what these thoughts are when I can get them together in my head.

Do you think about God’s love?

Because I didn’t used to.

I was slightly taken aback a few months ago when my pastor asked me if I knew that I was loved by God. I don’t like to answer questions like that too hastily or without thinking them through first. My initial response would have been “Of course! I KNOW God loves me!”

But do I show that in my thinking and in the way I act? Do I truly act like someone who knows they are loved by God?

After some consideration, I realized that I have not been acting this out in my life, at least not to the best of my ability.

Recently, in my daily Bible reading, I have been trying to find particular passages of God’s Word that mention His love for his people, so that I might reflect on them. When I began this exercise, I found that it relieved anxiety. When I am fully aware of God’s love in my life, it makes certain things easier, certain big scary things less big and less scary.

It also leads to acceptance. I hate my sin but I know that I will never be rid of it. But what I DO know is that I have been forgiven and the ultimate price has been paid. Also, that I ought to strive to be more and more like my sinless heavenly Father (who loves me extravagantly) every day.

This knowledge does not relieve the world of its pain or anxiety or sorrow but it does make the whole thing easier to bear.

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: casting all your care on Him; for He careth for you.” 1 Peter 5: 6-7

Interviewing

Tomorrow, I have an interview in Philadelphia for a job in my major. It’s a lab assistant job, the duties pretty basic. They include set-up, cleaning, and assisting the researchers in their duties.

I’ve been prepping nearly all day: figuring out how to get there on public transit (two trains and a trolley. Yay!), choosing which clothes to wear, researching the company, brushing up on some techniques that they specialize in, and thinking about I would answer basic interview questions.

I tend to take extensive notes when I prepare for an interview, usually in my little journal, and I find that it calms me. The action of thinking through my answers and slowly writing them down is soothing, especially when I will have to put them on display soon.

I was told that it will be a group interview, where I will be interviewed with other recently graduated potential employees. This….seems intimidating. I prefer one-on-one interviews, where it is just me and the interviewer(s). In this situation, not only will I have to make myself look good in front of the interviewers but I will also have pressure to measure up to the others being interviewed.

One thing that comforts me greatly is that, even if I fail to land this job, I still have another one to fall back on. Maybe this job will go to someone who truly needs it. I hope that will be the case, regardless of whether or not it is me who gets it.

In some ways, the possibility of actually getting the job is more intimidating than not getting it. I do eventually want to work in this field but am I ready? I guess I will never truly know the answer to that until I am thrown into the thick of it and forced to adjust. If I should get the job then it will become a part of my life and I will get used to it, so I really don’t need to worry. Adjusting to a new job is something that everyone faces at some point in their life.

Ultimately, I will try to enjoy my trip into the city tomorrow. The company is in a beautiful area and I am praying that traveling to and fro will soothe me. Also, I will remember that this is all in God’s hands, regardless of what others present at the meeting tomorrow will think of me.